Recreating a meal

I found (online) the recipes my sister, Briana, and I used to make a delicious Friendsgiving (aka Thanksgiving) Feast in 2004.
I don't think I am surprised by how much this means to me...but you might be.

The more I think about this meal, the deeper I find myself lost in memory:
I think of my sister; she died a little over 3 years ago.
I try to remember what I thought of her at the time, (bossy older sister? emotional?)
how I saw her, (she was older than me, she struggled with things, kind of mothered me)
how I saw myself (cooler than others? shy, but self confident at same time)
What she was up to (starting midwifery school, worked in the herbs and supplements section of The Good Earth, dating Gian)
What I was up to (taking Swedish, Icelandic, plant, fungus, and lichen classes; riding my beautiful bike to school at night for yoga and Scandinavian Choir; planning 3 month trip to Iceland; sewing all my clothes; rooftop urban garden; etc., etc., need I continue? my life was awesome)
Our house (The most gorgeous, charming apartment above an antique store on Center street, the historic main street of Provo. This remains my favorite place I have ever lived. I will always adore my 2 years there and everything about that house/apt. and era of my life. The most self discovering / self defining 2 years of my independent life. After I got past the "first year away from home" antics (daily naps and eating soft serve ice cream at all 3 meals) and clinging to my high school boy obsession ... but before Briana moved to Salt Lake and I had other long term boyfriends. This era was truly me, independent, un-tethered, and sadly I have no one with whom to relive the glory years because Briana is gone and I never had close girl friends.
Our friends (while looking to rent, we saw a beautiful old house, but some boys turned in their deposit before we did. At the time, we were so bummed some stupid frat boys (we had never met them, but they were boys so they must be jocks) were going to live in our dream house and probably ruin it...but then we found our apt above the antique store and met a bunch of cool guys at church and found out they all lived in that house we had wanted! Gian Pierotti, Jared Clark, Ruel Brown, Alan Ludwig, Chris Coy and Mike Kelly (didn't live there, but were friends) I am probably forgetting someone, sadly...All those guys are amazing artists. They actually studied art in college and are still doing it as their profession. They are all so cool and I am sure have no idea how much I love them and how much I learned from them - they are all 5-10 years older than I am and hopefully don't judge me too much for being naive and immature when I was 19-21 years old :)

When Briana died, a part of me died, too. It actually had started to die when I moved to Seattle and then when I got married. It doesn't have to be bad that a part of me died, because you can't stay the same your whole life. I can't live my whole life like I'm in college with my sister as a room mate, doing whatever the hell we want (making food, collecting old stuff from DI, crafting). Eventually that would probably have gotten stale, we would fight, need to make our own money :) want our own privacy, and we would want to marry and have kids...but both Briana and I are slow to change, and I think we felt ripped out of our comfort zones too early when I moved away and was dating Adam (my now husband).  As you age, mature, live...parts die and you re-grow, but you are different. I would say I am a better person now (more confident, friendly, realistic, less emotional, less judgmental...in a word: older) but I still miss that era and I still miss Briana and I wish I could see how she aged and changed over time. What things did she do that earlier swore she would never do..? Who would she marry? (you learn a lot about someone by who they marry) What would her kids be like and how would she adapt to motherhood, etc.?

Sometimes I feel selfish missing Briana because a big part of what I miss is the way I was with her, our memories, our "other" life back when we were young and awesome.

Links to recipes coming soon, but here are some photos:

(Salt Lake City igloo Jan 2007)

 (Provo September 2004)

 (Anthropologie July 2005)

 (Antique store apartment March 2005)

 (Antique store apartment Feb 2006)

 (Southern California December 2005) 

 (December 2006)

 (When I came home from Iceland with my new Lopapeysa Nov 2005)

Aunt Candice

Candice came to visit! It was so epic we have only a few photos....

I wanted to leave this next photo out because I am having skin issues...but I'm trying to not be that vain.

We mostly spent time together while helping me get my life back on track (clean out the refrigerator, clear out my closets, exercise, etc.) Candice babysat the 2 boys one morning, we made the pilgrimage to Cafe Besalu in the rain, and we made Raspberry Blood Orange Bars (like lemon bars...) Delicious!

Here is Elliott in the morning before Candice came. (I spy the dried apricots that gave him stinky toots).

And here is Arlin, yawning:

Elliott with no Mom

I am going through all the photos, movies, and emails about Elliott while I was in Europe with Candice. They are all so cute I wanted to share some...

My mom wrote, "Elliott ended up snuggling with me and falling asleep. He would wake up slightly to feel for my hair, play with it and fall back asleep. We didn't get up until 8:15!

Now we are dancing, eating breakfast, riding the tricycle, etc. After the morning nap we are going out in the stroller. It is sunny and warm - really beautiful! We might go to the farm. You never know what the weather will be like tomorrow."

"After video chatting with you, Elliott and I video chatted with Thomas! Then I put E in the stroller and walked to Trader Joe's. Their sample was white grits with sausage. I ate the sausage and Elliott at the grits. We got a second one and Elliott at the grits, and the paper cup! Then kept the spoon hanging out of his mouth like a cigarette. You never know when you might need your own spoon!"

"At dinner, E ate like a farmer! Polenta, a banana, pineapple, cooked carrots, some chicken, dates...and then he maxed out."

Thank you so much, Mom, for watching Elliott and for taking pictures and video of him, too!

Midnight Sun

(10:30 pm)
Candice and I are living it up in the land of the midnight sun. We had heard it would be light all night, but we were not prepared for daylight conditions 24/7. As a traveler, cramming as much as possible into 3 1/2 days, I have only slept 17 hours over 4 nights :)

We have been sight-seeing around the clock; we actually left for a small car tour at 11 pm and returned at 4 am...no big deal.

(12:27am)

(12:42 am)

(1:01 am)

Tomorrow

Packing for tomorrow!

Elliott loves climbing on or walking next to his new trike.

1912 Guesthouse

I booked 3 nights for me and Candice at the "1912 Guesthouse" in downtown Reykjavik!

It is right next to the Parliament building (Alþingishúsið), and in a great location for all the restaurants and sights in Reykjavik.

Iceland + Paris

Yes, that is right, I am going to Iceland and Paris in 1 month!

I just bought the tickets!!! Yippeee!

Candice has been planning a 5 week trip in Europe and she invited me to join for the first week. Thanks to a little gift from Briana, I was able to get the tickets on such late notice. Sisterfest on Iceland for the Summer Solstice! Woot! Bri, we are thinking of it as your 30th birthday bash.

So, what about Elliott....? He will be at home bonding with Adam and my mom while he thinks of his dear mother and her sweet, sweet milk.

Our latest brainstorm of ideas:

rent a car and drive to the West Fjords for a night

soak in as many hot springs as possible

hold as many Icelandic lambs as possible

drown ourselves in licorice candy, licorice dipped ice cream cones, skyr (yogurt), cheese, and smoked meat

catch up with friends from my visit in 2005

enjoy Reykjavik nightlife while the sun never sets!

Then...

say hello to Paris

eat crepes and waffles in the park

walk around Montmartre

order croque monsieurs at cafes

dine in a fancy restaurant

that is all :)

eggs

Look at these pretty chicken eggs!

It is my sister, Briana's, birthday today. She would have been 30, which is a big milestone, so Candice and I like to think we would have gone on a fun trip with her. It would have been fun - wish we could be together and at least eat cake to celebrate!

1 year

Today marks 1 year since my sister, Briana, died. It's hard to know what to say beside that I miss her. Actually, I have a lot to say, but it isn't simple to write.

Today, I have read many sweet notes from Briana's friends. I went to work with Elliott for a few hours this morning.

Then, we ate dinner with Adam's Mom before she left for the airport.

After, Adam went rock climbing and Elliott and I discovered Yogurtland...you get unlimited self serve samples!

And it's across the street from our house!

Here we have: pistachio, taro, chocolate cookie, strawberry, cheesecake, cupcake batter, AND nuttr buttr. Plus a couple popping boba.

Over the weekend, we were at a park with Adam's mom and Elliott had his first ride in a swing! It was adorable:

treasure

Upon moving in to this house, I have unpacked many treasures I had squirreled away in storage awaiting the day I'd have more space or more time to enjoy them. Those days have come!

One exciting box I recently unpacked contained all the antique plates I received from my bridal shower. Wasn't that a cute gift idea?: all the guests were asked to bring an antique plate they thought I would like; combined together, I now have a large, eclectic collection!

I enjoyed unpacking each plate and remembering who gave it. Some people had put their name tags from the shower on their plate so I would know who it was from. As I was going through the box, I saw one plate I didn't remember (it has been 3 years!) and then I saw the name tag:

Thanks Briana, I love you and I love your plate. You always had great taste. I miss you and cherish your gift and memory every day.

One Year

This week is the one year mark since I last saw my sister, Briana.

It's hard to believe it has been a year - it seems both too short and too long. On the one hand, I have so many vivid memories of her I feel like I saw her yesterday; and on the other hand, it feels much longer because she has been out of my circle of contact for nearly a year and so many big events (her death, Elliott, etc.) have changed me.

I saw her today (March 2nd) last year for the last time. We were both in California at my parents' house visiting. There was no 'real' reason for my trip beside wanting to visit everyone before I had a baby...and the flight was inexpensive. I love Jet Blue sales!

Briana was in town to attend the birth of her close friend's first baby. I saw her last as she was leaving for the hospital. I had just made African food and she packed some up to take with her. She was wearing the high waisted skirt I made (I lent it to her while I was pregnant). I remember thinking she was a little over dressed, but she always looked great.

We had a nice visit together, here is my post last year about the trip.

January 3rd

We had a little IT situation at work and had to call in the lumber jack.

Today feels like a milestone of some kind. I only realized it this morning (I wasn't counting down the days, or anything) but today is the day that we first told people I was pregnant. We went to our first midwife appointment and then bought a Costco pizza and called our families to tell them the news. (It's also coming up on the anniversary of that crappy pedestrian ticket...).

I was 12 weeks along - kind of far along to tell family for the first time - but I'm thankful our families were and have been so supportive. Today also marks the day Bri's personal life changed in some ways, which got me thinking about her and put me in a reminiscent/longing mood. Even though there are still 4 months to April, right now I feel like that time will fly by and I will be facing her 1 year commemoration before I know it. So strange. I'm the type of person who remembers dates and events and notes the 1 month, 6 month, 1 year, etc milestones. I get this from my dad, who is the master reminiscer. For over a year, he would text me and Adam every month on our wedding anniversary day (the 8th) and mention something different that he remembered from that day. Before that, he used to call me every August to give a detailed account of what landmarks we had hiked through on our epic father-daughter JMT (John Muir Trail) backpack trip of 2003. Suffice it to say, between now and May, there will be a million things to commemorate about Bri.

The interesting thing is that it won't be only about Bri, but Elliott, too. It's a happy and sad connection they will have since Elliott was born 3 months after Briana died. Whatever age Elliott is, it will have been that long since Briana died. I'm going to think of it as a gift to have that reminder.

I miss her so much and sometimes still can't believe she is gone. I have mixed feelings about the amount of time that has passed since I last saw her.

On a related topic, I felt like a mom today. A happy mom - a quiet, diligent, fulfilled mom for various reasons. I went to work with Elliott and made some progress on Cortinarius research. When I am there, I hold Elliott the entire time, or briefly set him on the table. It is physically taxing (obviously) but also enjoyable. Today, I remarked at how patient he was to be there for 6 hours. He gets bored with the lab surroundings because his favorite thing is to see new things. He loves new things! Elliott is also a pretty happy boy, most people who meet him comment on his abounding joy. He thrills himself by smiling, giggling and squealing.

Another reason I felt like a happy mom is that I am slowly shifting they way I get Elliott to sleep and he is adapting well. Previously, I would breastfeed him to sleep and then sneak away, but it appeared he thought it was wrong to sleep without me in his mouth and would jolt awake and root around for me even though he was exhausted. Now, he sleeps in his little bed and appears to love it. I get him sleepy with milk, low lights, and a song and then put him in his basket. He looks around, notices it's his bed and then goes back to sleep. I love the freedom this gives me to sleep better and I'm happy he also likes it.

Another reason I felt like a mom is that I made myself an appointment at the Center for Women's health for a pelvic floor exam - time to take care of my body.

I am also eating better. We bought a Champion juicer on craigslist and have been flooding our bodies with veggie vitamins! I feel great. Except for the mysterious itchiness on my chest (sugar hives?) I've had for 2 weeks.

Happy New Year!

Thanksgiving 2010!!!!!

Since I never got around to posting photos from last Thanksgiving (I can't believe a year has raced by!), we aren't doing much this Thanksgiving, and there are a lot of lovely ones with Briana...may I now present: Thanksgiving 2010!

It started with a few days of Sisterfest at Briana and Candice's house in Salt Lake City.

First off, we walked around Sugarhouse and ate at Omar's Raw Foods

Then we picked up Bri's car at the shop and followed her home:

The next day we also ate at Omar's Raw Foods :)
All 3 of us had bought Living Social Coupons!

Sara came up from Provo to visit

Adam got a sister-in-law backrub

while Bri and I made mac and cheese with Ian's friend Ivy (check out that beautiful black clay baking dish!! Briana always ad the coolest kitchen supplies - actually, the coolest everything.)

It snowed the whole night and we had a 1 am snow fight.

This captures what I love about Bri: up at 1 am baking a complicated treat with organic powdered sugar while wearing a silly hat.

I miss these beautiful Wasatch Front mountains

Here's Adam in front of his Freshman year dorm: Budge Hall

Some YouTube videos and a little sibling preening at Ian's dorm room...

Adam and I ate at the Red Iguana with Zina, Davey, and Pack!!

Whew, that was all pre-Thanksgiving...for real Thanksgiving, we spent the night with family friends, the Hollaways, in Huntsville, north of Salt Lake.

We made delicious food, hiked to a natural outdoor hot spring, ate pie, and then sat in the hot tub! There are even some legendary photos of us (including my mom!) running in the snow in our swimsuits. They're on facebook :)

Then, we played Apples to Apples, massaged each other's backs and had a yoga competition. Nothing like some good ole' family fun!

Here's Adam with the snow blower on the day after Thanksgiving.

A little snow slack-lining

Back at Bri's house, we made gnocci with our cousin Bridgette.

And Briana asked me to help her start knitting some socks (which I recently finished and gave to Thomas)

Serious work!

The holiday lights at Temple Square!

Additionally, I found a street named Tess!!!!!

And saw good friends Vanessa

and Analiesa

*Not many pictures of my parents, but they were there!

**This was also the Thanksgiving when I was secretly pregnant! My family didn't suspect anything, or at least they didn't say so, but Corrie knew! I felt okay, but was tired at night and would get instantly motion sick the moment I sat in a car. I also had a panic attack in Ian's Ford 'Exploder' as we attempted to drive down the steep, snowy, freaky hill of the Avenues to get free bread for Thanksgiving. Absolute terror. We never did make it down the hill.

Oh, I love this Thanksgiving! It was the best. So many memories :)

I guess this Thanksgiving, I am thankful for last Thanksgiving. The one where we were all together being crazy at Briana's house.