January 3rd

We had a little IT situation at work and had to call in the lumber jack.

Today feels like a milestone of some kind. I only realized it this morning (I wasn't counting down the days, or anything) but today is the day that we first told people I was pregnant. We went to our first midwife appointment and then bought a Costco pizza and called our families to tell them the news. (It's also coming up on the anniversary of that crappy pedestrian ticket...).

I was 12 weeks along - kind of far along to tell family for the first time - but I'm thankful our families were and have been so supportive. Today also marks the day Bri's personal life changed in some ways, which got me thinking about her and put me in a reminiscent/longing mood. Even though there are still 4 months to April, right now I feel like that time will fly by and I will be facing her 1 year commemoration before I know it. So strange. I'm the type of person who remembers dates and events and notes the 1 month, 6 month, 1 year, etc milestones. I get this from my dad, who is the master reminiscer. For over a year, he would text me and Adam every month on our wedding anniversary day (the 8th) and mention something different that he remembered from that day. Before that, he used to call me every August to give a detailed account of what landmarks we had hiked through on our epic father-daughter JMT (John Muir Trail) backpack trip of 2003. Suffice it to say, between now and May, there will be a million things to commemorate about Bri.

The interesting thing is that it won't be only about Bri, but Elliott, too. It's a happy and sad connection they will have since Elliott was born 3 months after Briana died. Whatever age Elliott is, it will have been that long since Briana died. I'm going to think of it as a gift to have that reminder.

I miss her so much and sometimes still can't believe she is gone. I have mixed feelings about the amount of time that has passed since I last saw her.

On a related topic, I felt like a mom today. A happy mom - a quiet, diligent, fulfilled mom for various reasons. I went to work with Elliott and made some progress on Cortinarius research. When I am there, I hold Elliott the entire time, or briefly set him on the table. It is physically taxing (obviously) but also enjoyable. Today, I remarked at how patient he was to be there for 6 hours. He gets bored with the lab surroundings because his favorite thing is to see new things. He loves new things! Elliott is also a pretty happy boy, most people who meet him comment on his abounding joy. He thrills himself by smiling, giggling and squealing.

Another reason I felt like a happy mom is that I am slowly shifting they way I get Elliott to sleep and he is adapting well. Previously, I would breastfeed him to sleep and then sneak away, but it appeared he thought it was wrong to sleep without me in his mouth and would jolt awake and root around for me even though he was exhausted. Now, he sleeps in his little bed and appears to love it. I get him sleepy with milk, low lights, and a song and then put him in his basket. He looks around, notices it's his bed and then goes back to sleep. I love the freedom this gives me to sleep better and I'm happy he also likes it.

Another reason I felt like a mom is that I made myself an appointment at the Center for Women's health for a pelvic floor exam - time to take care of my body.

I am also eating better. We bought a Champion juicer on craigslist and have been flooding our bodies with veggie vitamins! I feel great. Except for the mysterious itchiness on my chest (sugar hives?) I've had for 2 weeks.

Happy New Year!